An entry that has taken a few days to finally write...



I've never felt so hollow. These are the last of the tears i'll cry for you. My pillow has never heard so many screams. The dampness of my sheets comfort me. My voice hoarse, I reassure myself that you don't hate me. That one day, i'll be able to talk to you, but until that day comes, I am shutting myself off from you. My heart can't take this anymore. Eyes puffy, I look into the mirror at the shell i have become, i feel so hollow.

I won't open my heart this easily again. Your words have only made me stronger, but you must become first weaker to become stronger... I may be weak, but one day I will stop seeing these shadows, stop feeling so sad. I am not depressed, i am just mourning the end of a relationship. Relationships were never supposed to end. We are not in a perfect world, which is why we can not be together.

I cannot bare to move, the screams that have come from my lips tonight were inhuman. I don't think have ever made noises like that before. Nor will i again, because what has happened is unnatural. I will never put myself in this situation again.

The sadness is stopping, as I am overcome with these realisations. My stomach wants to vomit, my head wants to stop spinning. My bed, tired from having to cradle and console me, strokes my hair telling me it it will all be alright. 'Get up K' it murmurs from the sheets. 'Everything is going to be fine, you need some time to shed your tears, but get up before this consumes you...'

I'll miss you for a long time to come, but I am going to get over this. I have finally become at peace with you. I was searching for closure, and I received it through God's grace. I am not deserving of the Love that i have received, but it only allows me to be reminded that I am to live this life in a way that is pleasing to him, which no human can take away.

Not only am I losing a lover, but a Best Friend.

As i cry out one last time to be comforted, the clouds seem to be parting, I take one last breath from this cave i have trapped myself in, and step outside. Everything is going to be fine, just fine.

As the days get colder here, the snow doesn't come, but my heart grows weaker. I'll never see the bedroom window again.

It's too late to change the past, but my feelings for you are fading. I guess it is hard to keep enjoying the company of someone that isn't there. I understand that, but why do you hate me. You were right to break up, but I'll never understand why you did it via text, never understand how you can have feelings for someone one day, and then they disappear the next. Your heart has become hard mon coeur, I hope that you realise that you have to open your heart to love, not close it off. I don't hate you, i never could. It is time to say good bye.

Shh. We are going to visit the beautiful, big city today. I will go and hold your hand. You don't need to be scared. I'm right here next to you. Don't close your eyes, don't put me to the back of your mind, I'm here right next to you.

Tu es vraiment un beaugosse. Je t'oublie jamais mon coeur.

Et toi? Tu arrives de m'oublier? C'est tout simple pour toi. C'est la seule raison je vois pour que tu parles plus avec moi...

Let's catch a train together. It's cold and i want to snuggle up close to you.

G.

I don't know why i agreed to break with you.
Now i look back, i would have done so many things differently.
When you said you wanted to visit, i should have jumped at the offer.
When you said you loved me, i should have whispered those words back into your ear.

The things i have learnt from this experience are unbearable. They haunt me at night when  i have the sheets tightly over me.
I imagine your arms wrapping around me, comforting me.
When i walk through the tunnels of the city, i see your face, flickering in the distance.
It is like an awful dream.

I thought i would have stopped crying now.
The tears start up unannounced.
The sheer sight of anything reminds me of you,
yet when i feel a tear run down the side of my cheek, but i don't brush it back. What's the point, the tears are just going to start back up again.













I'll always remember the good times with you. My heart feels as though it can't go on, every day drags by, but I hope that it will get better than this. As the cold winds take over Sydney, the crisp air reminds me of your warm touch. Please, make the pain go away.

I'll whisper it one last time. BNBG.

-K

Am I running away?

Everything i look at reminds me of you.